UH...

Arrests made in ring that sold human fat

(CNN) -- Peruvian authorities say they have arrested four members of a gang that specialized in selling fat obtained from dead humans.

Officials are investigating the disappearance of at least 60 people who may have been killed by gang members in two mountainous states in central Peru, the nation's attorney general said in a release Wednesday.

The four suspects have been charged with murder.

Two of the suspects were arrested November 3 as they left a transport business with a plastic container with human fat in it.

The fat was sold in Peru and Europe and used for commercial purposes, Peruvian officials said.

Uh. Just a few points here. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's not necessary to kill people for their fat. If they just put a sign outside their shop they'd have volunteers lining the streets. This is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

HARVESTING HUMAN FAT.

Holy shit! Sign me up! People pay GOOD MONEY to have this done. Hell, these people could have had people PAY THEM to suck out their fat and then sell it. HELLO. What were they thinking? That's a flawed business strategy if I ever heard one.

Even if they had held someone down, sucked out their fat, then let them go, I seriously doubt the person would have run to the police. Instead, he'd tell all his friends what corner to stand on. Totally not necessary to kill people. What especially doesn't make sense is kidney thieves - they sew the people back up and send them on their way. Now that would seem like a more appropriate time to kill someone. I think I may just report waking up with one less kidney. Waking up with less fat? I'd just retrace my steps and hope to run into them again.

Weird.

funny

a cinderella story...

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a rich guy and his wife. After awhile she got pregnant and had a little girl. For a long time everybody was really happy, but then when the daughter was little older, the mom got sick and died. Just like a man, the father met this slut and married her, even while the body was still warm.  This horrible woman had two grown daughters just as wicked as she was.

About five minutes into the marriage, the stepmother focused her wrath on her new stepchild who was a sweet, pretty girl, unlike the two beasts who were her daughters. Her sweet temperament only accentuated how bad the other girls were, and this got under the stepmother’s skin. She made her do all the hard work around the house like scrubbing the floors, doing all the wash, serving them dinner and working outside like a slave while the other women sat on their fat asses and watched soaps. The ugly stepsisters got everything fine while Cinderella slept in the stable. It sucked pretty bad.

Cinderella was a class act though, and never complained, not even to her dad. He’d already realized what a skank he’d married and she didn’t want to make him feel any worse about it.

I would have, but everybody’s different.

So she’d dutifully do her chores, and afterward curl her tired body up near the chimney with her cat. That’s why the whores gave her the name Cinderella. The cat would sigh and tell her, "Look. I'll help you bury the bodies. You don't have to put up with this shit", but Cinderella was just too sweet for homicide.

One day the sisters received an invitation from the King to attend a party for his son, the Prince. This was a big deal because the Prince would probably choose a wife from among the attendees, and although these bitches didn’t stand a chance, they thought they did. So what this meant was a whole lot of work for Cinderella to get these assholes ready for the ball.

She had to do all the sewing, ironing, errands, fixing their hair, and everything else they needed done. She had turned into their bitch and there was nothing she could do about it. And of course the stepmother and sisters never told her she did anything right, but instead berated her with insults. This is what ugly people do though.

When the time came to go to the ball, the girls loaded their fat asses up in the beamer and threw in one last insult to Cinderella about not being invited to the ball before riding away. Cinderella threw herself on the floor by the fireplace and cried like a little bitch for a long time because of those shitheads, when really she should have used the extra time to plot their disappearances. The cat was so distraught over Cinderella's treatment that he shit in each of their beds.

Cinderella's bawling was interrupted by a knock at the door. Well shit, she thought. What now. When she opened the door there stood a tiny little woman carrying a wand. Evidently she was a Fairy who had been friends with her mother when she was alive and was to be Cinderella’s godmother, of which she was obviously doing a shitty job. After explaining her stint in rehab and her troubles with that asshole Mike, she finally asked her why Cinderella had been crying.

Cinderella explained that she just wanted to go to the damn ball like those hyenas had gotten to. The fairy godmother promised her that she’d get to go if she quit crying. No prince is going to find the puffy eyes and wounded facade to be an attractive look. The cat agreed, pointing out that she had a booger.

The fairy godmother told Cinderella to hand her the cat, and she did. The Fairy touched it with her wand and suddenly it turned into a helicopter. "Holy shit! What else can you do?" Cinderella asked. “Girl I got all kinds of tricks up my sleeve”. With that she ran her wand over Cinderella and transformed her into a supermodel. She had a way more badass dress than her step-sisters and some cool little glass heels riddled with diamonds. She was now ready to go and she looked foxy.

Upon getting into the helicopter (and noticing how cute the pilot was), her Fairy Godmother reminded her, “Whatever you do, be home by twelve. Only whores stay out later and if you aren’t back by twelve the helicopter will turn back into a cat and you’ll be back in rags”.

You wouldn’t believe the crowd the helicopter drew when it flew in, and even more so when Cinderella emerged. In fact, she looked so good she was escorted straight to meet the Prince who immediately liked her the best of all the girls. She monopolized his evening while the other girls talked about how fat she was, how her bra strap was showing, and how they had heard she was a big psycho slut. The step sisters didn’t even recognize her without her dirty face and old dress.

Well, Cinderella was having such a good time that she forgot all about that midnight thing. About 2 minutes till she realized the time and rushed away. The Prince ran after her but was too late. The only trace of her was her glass shoe which had fallen off in her rush to get in the helicopter.  The Prince picked it up, determined to find her.

So over the next few days he had his men search for her, and sent word that whoever’s foot fit this shoe would be his bride. You may be thinking that a lot of feet could probably fit the shoe, but it was totally magic so that couldn’t happen.

The Prince’s helpers went door to door in search of the right foot, but the shoe didn’t fit anyone. They finally showed up at Cinderella’s and each sister tried the shoe on, but of course were denied. Cinderella asked in a small voice, “Can I try on the shoe?”

“No you stupid cow!” one step-sister laughed. “You weren’t there!” But the Prince’s helper reminded her that every girl in the kingdom had to try it on, per the Prince’s orders. When Cinderella sat down and slipped the shoe on with ease, the sisters’ damn near had a stroke. Suddenly she transformed back into the beautiful girl from that evening, and the sisters felt like the big fat jackasses they were.

Soon afterward Cinderella married the Prince and made the stepmother and sisters attend counseling three times a week in addition to community service for being assholes.

At first everything was pretty awesome. They were married a couple of years before Cinderella found out the Prince was cheating on her with an ex-girlfriend. She wasn’t that hurt though, because he had really been getting on her nerves. He was a slob, a momma’s boy, and had a penis like a lil smokey. She’d found herself daydreaming about the helicopter pilot and decided to see if he was on Facebook. He totally was and they hooked up and were married forever, and he was not a slob, and his penis was totally reasonable.  

The End

what is...

• What is something you dislike about yourself? I dislike the fact that any weight I gain collects around my stomach only while my legs remain little sticks and my butt stays flat. This creates a disproportianate amount of muffin top to have to work with and I risk falling over.

• What is something you do well? I think I'm at my best when I'm watching soap operas. Not only can I tell them what they're doing wrong and how stupid they are through the TV, but I can also multi-task with a little salsa and chips. It's what I would consider my finest hour.

• What is your favorite room in your home and why? My favorite room is the laundry room. That's where all the magic happens. Literally. Where the fuck are all my socks?

• What is a good neighbour? A good neighbor is one who will let you borrow stuff and not get that mad if you mess it up.

• What is the worst thing parents can do to their children? The worst thing parents can do to their children is give them a hamster that eats its own arm off right in front of you. I'm over it though.

• What is your favorite time of day? My favorite time of day is right after I get home and put my pajamas on and right before that stupid kitten attacks my liver.

• What is your most indispensable possession and why? I would say it's my phone, because how else can you call pizza delivery? Oh, and if I got kidnapped, the cops wouldn't be able to trace my location. Think ahead.

• What is something that makes you feel sad? The end of the salsa. Not the dance. The tomato stuff.

• What is something that really bugs you? People who talk and talk and talk about stuff that I don't care about and they are too narcissistic to realize that nobody gives a shit. But they trap you like a little fly and won't let you get out of the conversation. You eventually have to play like you're throwing up to get away.

• What is the best advice you ever received? The best advice I ever received was to wear an Elizabethan collar around my neck when I answered the door in order to get rid of an annoying boyfriend.

• What is your favorite holiday? What makes this holiday special? My favorite holiday is Halloween. What makes it special is that grown people dress in ridiculous outfits, and rather than handing out candy they hand out shots. You haven't lived until you've seen a hairy man-chicken dancing on a bar.

For lack of anything better to write about.

The Rules of Engagement: Numero Dos

Last month we learned that “Shut up”, throwing things, and name calling are among the most fundamental of relationship no-nos. Let’s build on the lessons we learned so that we may become a less annoying partner to our loved one as well as the pretentious friend who offers relationship advice because we are obviously experts. Shall we?

SHUT THE HELL UP. One of the most important tools to remember in a relationship is to shut the hell up. Everything you think does not need to be verbalized, especially if it has to do with one’s weight or looks. For instance, when I was married, I complained once about my weight. This is by no means an invitation to suggest helpful solutions or offer agreement. Instead, this is a fine opportunity to shut up, change the subject or say something nice. Conversely, what I got was, “Well, you’re just a big girl. Great. How much are bigger jeans going to cost?”

Now, that kind of dumbassery will get you voted right off of Relationship Island. If you enjoy the company of your chubby honey, perhaps a more appropriate response would be, “Bones are for dogs. You feel like Mexican or Italian food tonight?”

At first glance it may seem that this type of reply is enabling to your overweight counterpart, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only is it your safest bet, but it is a form of trickery designed to make your significant other feel loved for who they are, and in return they will want to look nice for you and lose the extra gristle. (Hard to believe this is free, right?)

Now once you get to that Italian restaurant, a dilemma many couples run in to (that leads to resentment and the beloved awkward silence) is the matter of who pays. Many women will say it’s very simple; the man pays. However, working around men all day, I am privy to inside information, and my sources tell me that one way or another the woman will pay.

For instance, if the man gets stuck with the bill all the time, without any attempts on the woman’s behalf to pay, that woman has just secured herself a place in crappy gift hell. What this means basically, is that the quality of gifts throughout the year is in direct proportion to the thoughtfulness of the woman in regards to paying. If a man feels taken advantage of, he will undoubtedly punish his female in a passive aggressive manner almost undetectable to the human eye. As with most rules, there are loopholes, but the main thing to remember is to sincerely offer to pay so as to not screw oneself out of a good Christmas present.

At the end of the day, it’s really all about playing nice and sharing. If you’re too big of an a-hole to do that, you don’t even want to bother checking in next month when we discuss lying and PMS. Stay tuned…